Spiffy Speaks

Hey Kids,

Checking in because I’m not sure where else to write this.  I just got out of therapy and in a weird way, you guys came up.  My “internet” friends who may know the actual “me” better than most of my family.

So first – I had a very successful triple neck fusion surgery about 2 weeks ago.  It’s basically the same surgery that Edge had to have where he had to retire abruptly.  About 5 years ago I broke my neck.  More specifically, I was unknowingly walking around with a broken neck.  You ever “sleep wrong” and just wake up with a stiff/sore neck?   Right, so it was kind of exactly that… except it just… never went away.  After about 3 weeks I went to the doctor and got an MRI, which revealed that I had fractured my C5/C6.  The medical staff wanted to know about the car wreck that I was in… I had to explain no… I just woke up like this.  No trauma or falling down or anything. 

They repaired the original break and sent me on my way.  I felt great almost immediately after surgery and that lasted for about 5 years.  I started getting numbness on the left side of my face/neck – Almost like it feels when your foot falls asleep.  Went back to the doctor and apparently the face numbing part of your spine is the C4, so about 6 months ago we built a nice addition on to the brackets and bolts and screws in my C5/C6.

Well, not to be outdone, moving those vertebrae where they were SUPPOSED to be knocked a bunch of other stuff loose and as a result, I had a massive herniated disc at my C3.  This is getting fun, right?  Also, it was discovered that the pain that had returned was because the ORIGINAL surgery to repair the C5/C6 fracture did not fuse properly… So THAT means more surgery.  This time they had to go in through the back of my neck (which is 50 times WAY MORE absolutely fucking terrible than going in through the front.  My neurosurgeon summed it up as “Yeah man… This one is going to suck ALL of the dicks.” – He’s from Philly) which is a substantially more invasive surgery.  27 staples in my head later, and I’m on the road to recovery.  Finally.

As luck would have it – This downtime is happening at precisely the same time that my family is imploding.  Divorces, evictions, rehab, stealing money – Pretty much an entire smorgasbord of clusterfuck.  I’m the “glue” for a lot of people and right now, the only glue I’ve got is around the staples holding my head together.

I’m REALLY bad at asking for help.  My thought has always been if YOU SEE someone who needs help, YOU offer to help.  I don’t ask for help because if you see me struggling, you are supposed to want to fix that.   I’m not talking about “Hey, can you come help me move this couch” type of help – I’m talking about ACTUAL help.  In my case it’s usually just needing some love, support, reassurance, and someone to bounce around in my neurodivergent brain for a bit to try to clarify some things.  I’ve learned the importance of that in how I process things and while that might be a different way to digest things, it works for ME.

I don’t have an outlet to interact with people in “real life” anymore.  My charity essentially folded, I don’t go to local bars, I don’t host bingo, I didn’t join a bowling league this year – I pretty much keep to myself in my comfy recliner and puppy in my lap. 

Also, it turns out that it is REALLY hard to always be smiling and fun when you are walking around with a broken neck.  My attempts to medicate to find some sort of functional “balance” were… not successful.  I am by no means a “Hindsight” guy – Meaning I don’t sit around wasting time and energy on a lot of “What if?” and “If only I did X instead of Y” type thinking.  We are still here, and we still have a lot of life to live.  Let’s focus on being HERE.

That said, I’m a bit angry at myself that I didn’t see how bad I was sooner.  Actually if I’m honest?  I’m a bit disappointed in myself that I wasn’t able to “figure it out” and continue on like I am still invincible and not an Elder Millennial who has to take medicine for blood pressure, anxiety, and heartburn every day.  I guess the fact is that you probably aren’t supposed to try to work through a broken neck.  It’s not really a “walk it off” type of thing and it’s impossible for that not to effect EVERYTHING else in your orbit.  So then here I am – Irritable, unfocused, frustrated, in pain, and on stage in Key West basically trying to pretend like nothing is wrong.  Ok… When should I take my nerve blocker medicine to make it 4 hours on stage?  God Bless the bartenders and managers who thought I was just up there ripping shots all night and THAT is why it was taking me so long to clean up and I was moving so slow.  Nope – Just that the pain meds and adrenaline wore off and now I’m having a MUCH harder time pretending like I’m ok.

So now I’m anxious.

Now I am healing and clear-headed and have had a LOT of time to think about… everything.  Key West is an island built on second chances, (and third, fourth, and fifth chances.  And whatever chance I’m on… I don’t count) and that involves me working hard and earning my spots back.  Which I will.  I am really good at my show, I just need to be ABLE to do it.  So I think the short term plan is doing a private event in a couple weeks to see where I am physically and barring any major issues that puts me back to work for March.  Thankfully moving my surgery up, and a few bars being VERY understanding about having to shuffle some dates helped my timeline a lot.  I can’t wait for St. Paddy’s in Key West.  I have to remember to take my green stuff down.  Mama Jo is a big fan of my hat.

I’ll figure it out.  That’s kind of my thing.  Thanks for reading.  I always seem to feel better when I write, and my therapist keeps telling me to do it more.  That said – I’m going to take that advice.  I’m going to be better at both ASKING for help and ACCEPTING it.