I mean… I do, but that’s semi-clickbait to make you think this is somehow about Randy Orton and wrestling.
It’s not.
It’s about why I am up at 4:30am writing.
Growing up, my family had good times and bad times. I had some amazing Christmas mornings that were filled with Super Nintendo and Genesis games, but we also had times where we didn’t have a working phone and ate a LOT of Ramen and Mac n’ Cheese. I have a big Italian family with uncles who I’m pretty sure believe that “The Godfather” wasn’t a movie: It was a documentary.
I work the way that I do because I remember what it felt like to be THAT broke. I remember somehow talking myself into Duquesne University while also being homeless. I remember being banned from Towers because I kept getting caught sleeping there… among other things. Fun fact: The first time I rushed Delta Chi I went through the ENTIRE pledge process and then literally 2 days before initiation, they found out that I couldn’t pay my dues, and had to kick me out.
I worked my ass off to put myself through school. I have a fuckton of loans and several degrees to show for it, but I was proud that I rarely had to even ask for help. My parents had just recently gotten divorced and it’s not like anyone had sterling credit after the most recent eviction.
When the financial collapse happened in 2008, I told myself that I was never going to work for anybody else ever again – And I haven’t. I had been crushing it pretty well in the mortgage business. I found that I was a pretty natural salesman, and that helped me throughout my entire life.
I also told myself that I would never worry about money in my life. I saw the toll that it took on my family and refused to have that level of stress in my world. I just worked hard, hustled, and by the Grace of God I never really had to check my bank accounts… Until now.
I made a decision to help a family member that has become a 6-figure error in my judgment. Yeah… That’s a lot of Jagerbombs. It turns out that I may have a bit of a blind spot where I try to desperately pretend that I am an optimist – Often to my detriment.
So on top of broken necks and broken knees, I have THIS new stress in my life. Well, not new – It’s been several years now of trying to help those who cannot and will not be helped. What can I say? I’ve always been the kid who HAD to touch the stove to see if it REALLY was hot. Why would that change just because I’m a bigger kid now?
Here’s the thing: My life, my superpowers, and my experiences make me bulletproof. I’m teflon, baby. I got my FIRST brush with death in a wrestling ring in the Flats in Cleveland some time around 2000. I came out wearing my Jerome Bettis jersey not giving a single fuck who it upset. Turns out, it upset a LOT of people there, one of whom was carrying a gun. Imagine my shock when more than twenty years later people were still threatening to kill me. This time, it was over stuff like me trying to feed their kids and saying crazy things like “Hey, we should do what doctors say.”
I’m Teflon. I don’t get angry – At least not for long. I am a people pleaser – I will go out of my way to avoid confrontation.
I find myself really angry right now, and it’s because my family is being attacked by some really shitty people. It’s reached a point of harassment and terror that the authorities are involved. It’s a lot of anonymous messages not to ME, but to family members ABOUT me. What kind of person wakes up and knowingly does things to rip a family apart? ZERO tolerance. ZERO forgiveness. None. You broke my fucking heart.
This situation has forced my mother to postpone her much-deserved and overdue retirement plans to temporarily move in to my home where she can feel safe and supported. Yes, a 70 year old lady cries herself to sleep over the pain and suffering that this whole thing is doing to everyone.
So I’m angry, and I’m trying to do literally ANYTHING but think about the fact that I am 6-figures in (and counting) and can’t find a handyman to finish up some renovations and it’s the slow time for being The Wedding Singer and my voiceover work and voice acting hasn’t caught on yet and I am heading to a convention with no money to try to learn new marketing strategies to book more shows and EVENTUALLY make money and also rehabbing my neck from having my C4 and C5 fused a few months ago AND my right knee that I just had a lateral meniscus tear fixed and some other stuff on October 21st.
*Deep Breath*
And that’s not even the REST of my “actual” life. I feel like I never learned how to HAVE help. I don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t know what it looks like. I find myself still feeling alone, isolated, misunderstood, taken for granted, taken advantage of, and I’m not sure where the light at the end of this tunnel is.
I do know this: When I get through this – And I WILL get through this, I’m going to the motherfucking mattresses making sure that EVERYONE who caused even a moment of pain to my mother and the rest of my family are going to face retribution.
Spiffy Speaks 